Sunday, February 16, 2014


 Imagine spending years in a marriage for it to end in divorce.  Not just a divorce where each party get what’s deserved, but for it to be a hostile and bitter divorce with children involved.  Sometimes without thinking about it because you as a spouse are angry, hurt and sometimes knowing full well what you are doing, children are put in the middle of the divorce hearing things they should not hear and creating feelings not normally present.  Behaviors such as these that are damaging to children’s mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with the relationship of a child and either parent is termed, Parental Alienation. 



THE PROBLEM
Parent Alienation is considered a form of child abuse in where the child is made to believe that one parent doesn't care about them or is the cause of problems within the family. This usually happens after a divorce or a break-up of the parents. In most cases the child is made to feel like they have to make a choice between one parent and the other. The parent who has custody of the child is usually the one who initiates the behavior by suggesting that the parent that isn't in the home has abandoned the family for one reason or another. Signs and symptoms of Parental Alienation or Hostile Aggressive Parenting, include, but are not limited to: 



      badmouthing a parent in front of the children and at every opportunity
      not answering the phone when the other parent calls

      playing on the children's feelings of guilt and sympathy
      using the child as a weapon against the other parent and family members
      undermining the other parent by encouraging the child to defy the other  parent 


SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES
This can be psychologically damaging to the child causing emotionally detachment to the alienated parent.  This can make the child feel that the parent doesn't love him or her. Not only is the other parent badmouthed but also contact with the child is limited. This can cause the child to have low self-esteem, self-hatred, lack of trust; depression, abandonment issues and can lead to substance abuse. The child can also develop alienation or distant relationships toward the other parent as well. 



LONG TERM EFFECTS

Having many conversations with individuals whose belief systems say divorce is morally wrong and detrimental to the family unit and when faced with divorce has behaved in the above manner.  It wasn't until choosing a topic the realization this the behavior had a name assigned to it.   Although the fundamental emotions of it all are anger and hurt in both parties, the spouse creating this alienation gains pleasure from the increased pain of the other spouse.  Considering utilitarianism theory, the happiness of the children involved is not thought of nor is the lasting effects this behavior may leave them thought about in regards to the children’s mental health.


AWARENESS
On April 25, 2006 the first Parental Alienation Awareness Day was held and is now held worldwide.  The event is called Bubbles of Love.  Its purpose is to show support for all of those dealing with Parental Alienation and at noon, people from around the world blow bubbles for at least ten minutes.  The bubbles are to “show that love carries us higher and cannot be broken, as it can from Parental Alienation.”


Love's Chain 


   Can we not hear our children crying  


   as our relationships are left dying?
  
   The harms we choose, the words we say
   later in life come into play.
  
   Things we've said add to that they know,  
    And in future relationships this may show.  

   What we say children take as truth,
   So please be honest and not steal their youth.

   Tell truths of love always from your heart,
   This allows for healing to start.

   Listen up and hear your children's voices,
   They deserve their freedom of choices.

                                       Don't let your thoughts cause children pain
                                       instead keep adding links to your love's chain.









BOOKS ON PARENTAL ALIENATION


                                       

ORGANIZATIONS








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HOW DO I KNOW?

Sometimes when we are going through divorce and custody battles, we behave in a certain manner out of anger and hurt. When this happens we don’t think about those we may be hurting in our hurt…OUR CHILDREN. If you are ready to make positive changes or you question your motives/behaviors now, below is a quiz that can open your eyes and hopefully begin the healing process.

Am I An Alienating Parent? 

Take the Quiz:

  1. Have I ever allowed my child to disrespect their other parent?
  2. Have I ever encouraged my child to disrespect their other parent?
  3. Have I lied to the other parent about my child not feeling well?
  4. Have I ever created a scene to make their other parent look bad?
  5. Have I shared details of the divorce settlement or family court proceedings with my child?
  6. Have I made my child feel insecure by saying things like "If you need me to come pick you up, I'll be right there?", "I'm sorry you have to spend the weekend with your Dad/Mom", "Call me as soon as you get there to let me know your ok"
  7. Have I used my child to spy on their other parent?
  8. Have I used my child as a messenger?
  9. Have I used the divorce as an excuse to not buy them something they wanted?
  10. Have I grilled them for details of their visit with their other parent?
  11. Have I asked them to lie to their other parent?
  12. Have I acted hurt or betrayed if my child wanted to be with their other parent?
  13. Have I told them I wouldn't force them to see their other parent if they didn't want to?
  14. Have I accused their other parent of neglecting or abusing my child in front of that child?
  15. Do I make excessive calls to my child when they are with their other parent?
  16. Do I plan tempting alternatives that would interfere with their time with their other parent?
  17. Have I purposely neglected to tell their other parent about school or sporting events?
  18. Have I told my child their other parent was divorcing us or that they have abandoned us?
  19. Do I use the family court as a weapon of intimidation to get my ex-spouse to do what I want them to do?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, you will want to take a long hard look at yourself. What are your motives? Are they to make you "look good" and the other parent to "look bad"? Have you become an alienating parent? Are you employing alienating tactics against your children and ex-spouse? Do you allow this type of behavior to go unchecked in your life? Seek professional help to deal with your anger, hatred and control issues before they do irreparable damage to your child.
ABOVE INFORMATION COPIED FROM www.keepingfamilieconnected.org


AS A FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER HOW CAN I HELP?
  • PLEASE stay connected with this person. This can be hard at times because they are in such intense pain. They are grieving a loss similar to a death, except this continues every day for them. You often don’t know how to help or what to say so it’s easy to start avoiding them.
  • If you know someone who is being alienated from their children, the greatest gift that you can give them is the gift of your constant love, support and prayers.
  • If you have the ability to contact the children, let them know that they are loved by the targeted parent. Remind them of stories and events that will trigger positive memories.
  • It may seem small – but on court dates (which in alienation cases are often many), offer to make a meal or take them out to dinner. Court days are grueling and they can use your love & support.
  • On holidays – don’t be afraid to bring up memories of the children. They are still apart of your lives. Give Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and Grandparent Day cards to the targeted parent, grandparent who has been alienated reminding them that they are a good parent or grandparent regardless of what the courts and the ex-spouse have said and done.
  • When you see someone you know alienating their children from another parent or using alienating tactics, please speak into their life and share how devastating to the children and selfish this type of behavior is. Don’t be afraid to remind them that Parental Alienation is really just another form of child abuse. Suggest counseling to work through their problems, instead of a hate-filled campaign of Alienation.

ABOVE INFORMATION COPIED FROM www.keepingfamilieconnected.org



AVAILABLE RESOURCES

Parental Alienation Support Group Suggestions:
Join a PAS online support group or an in-person support group if one is available in your area. The International Network of Alienated Families, for instance, is a support group located in Southern California that provides monthly group meetings and is facilitated by mental health professionals who are experienced with PA and PAS. If there isn’t an existing support group in your area, why notconsider starting one? This can be easily accomplished through Meetup, http://www.meetup.com. Another option is to join a PAS online support group and organization. Here are some examples:

Above information copied from www.parentalalienation.org